National political squawking – a prophecy

Here is komadori’s prediction for the political campaigns ahead of the 2015 general election.

Those in the blue Tory nest will claim that everything the coalition government did well over the last five years has been down to them, in the face of obstruction by their LibDem coalition partners. They’ll claim you should vote for them because they’re the only party with a realistic plan to eliminate the deficit quickly and to improve the economy, by cutting taxes to boost spending. They’ll claim to be the only party with plans to tackle immigration firmly but fairly. They’d also like you to believe that they’re the only party whose economic policies will protect the NHS.

Those in the red Labour nest will claim that what little the coalition government did well over the last five years were things they suggested first and would have done better if in power. They’ll claim you should vote for them because they’re the only party with a realistic plan to eliminate the deficit fairly and to improve the economy, by raising taxes to boost spending. They’ll claim immigration is not an issue, but that they’re the only party with plans to tackle immigration firmly but fairly. They’d also like you to believe that they’re, naturally, the only party whose policies will protect the NHS.

Those in the yellow LibDem nest will claim that everything the coalition government did well over the last five years has been down to them, in the face of obstruction by their Tory coalition partners. They’ll claim you should vote for them because they’re the only party with a realistic plan to eliminate the deficit quickly but fairly and to improve the economy, by changing taxes to boost spending. They’ll claim immigration is not an issue, and it would be nasty to campaign about it, except to say that they’re the only party with plans to tackle immigration fairly. Naturally, they’d also like you to believe that they’re the only party whose policies will protect the NHS.

Those in the mauve Kipper nest will claim that everything the coalition government did well over the last five years has been down to them, faced with the fear of electoral meltdown. They’ll claim you should vote for them because they’re the only party with a realistic plan to eliminate the deficit and to improve the economy, by ending EU taxes and boosting spending. They’ll claim immigration is an issue, and that they’re the only party with plans to tackle immigration firmly. Of course, they’d also like you to believe that they’re the only party whose policies — once they’ve worked out what they are — will protect the NHS.

Those in the eponymous Green nest will claim that nothing the coalition government did over the last five years was done well, faced with the fear of global warming and meltdown. They’ll claim you should vote for them because they’re the only party with a realistic plan to save the planet and improve the economy. They’ll claim immigration is not an issue, and it would be nasty to campaign about it, except to say that they’re the only party with plans for fair immigration. Of course, they’d also like you to believe that they’re the only party whose policies — by making life and the planet so much more healthy — will protect the NHS.

Those in the other smaller nests will claim that the coalition government has done nothing well over the last five years and their party’s one-track agenda would have solved all the problems before they even started. They’ll claim you should vote for them because they’re the only party committed to cutting the deficit, improving the economy, tackling immigration, and protecting the NHS.

[This post is based on another from April 2007, just before the local elections of that year.]